


For Jonghyun;

by lovelyjonghyun



Category: SHINee
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2020-01-11 18:55:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18430076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelyjonghyun/pseuds/lovelyjonghyun
Summary: made this just to keep my letters and literature for Jonghyun somewhere.





	1. diphylleia grayi

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: ALL OF THIS WORK IS MADE BY MYSELF, IT’S ALL MY PERSONAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.

_**inspired by - diphylleia grayi (jonghyun)** **  
** **date written - december 21, 2018** _

_You, the flower that turns transparent in the rain_  
_Regret drowning the white petals in our path_  
_It may be transparent, but that won’t make it go away_  
_At least it won’t hurt when invisible_  
_But I didn’t know the pain of letting go_  
_Would rip me apart and kill me like this_  
_Now that it’s drowned in tears_  
_My plain fault is no longer visible._

_The wind that dispersed it._  
_The dew that dampened it._

_Oh, such a beautiful flower ahead of me_  
_With that stunning smell that cast a spell upon me_  
_You lock me up in this chamber, so that I_  
_Cannot find my way to you, and simply smile your gorgeous smile._

_The wind that dispersed it._  
_The dew that dampened it._

_Over time, the white petals shall wither_  
_Without ever remembering they were once transparent too._

_The sadness that dispersed it._  
_The tears that engulfed it._

_Time goes on._  
_Time goes on._  
_Time goes on._  
_Time goes on._  
_Time goes on._  
_Time goes on._


	2. just for a day

_**inspired by - just for a day (jonghyun)** **  
** **date written - december 22, 2018** _

_Just for a day_   
_Just for a day_

_Stop this, you keep coming into view_   
_Now it’s over, in the past_   
_My eyes open and close_   
_But even in my deepest dreams, all is you_

_Even if I cannot get you out of my thoughts_   
_Even when yesterday became today_

_Just for a day_   
_Just for a day_   
_Please, just for a day_   
_I wish I was dead_   
_Just for a day_

_I know that I won’t be in your today_   
_We both know I can’t go a single day_   
_Even when I’m drunk_   
_Drunk with love_   
_I can’t_

_Even if you won’t see me ever again_   
_Even when tomorrow becomes yesterday_

_Just for a day_   
_Just for a day_   
_Please, just for a day_   
_I wish I was dead_   
_Just for a day_   
_Just for a day_

_Even if we won’t ever meet again_   
_Even if we have different futures_

_Just for a day_   
_Just for a day_   
_Please, just for a day_   
_I wish we were together again_   
_Just for a day_

_Just for a day_   
_Please, just for a day_   
_I wish we were reunited_   
_Just for a day_


	3. 6 dec 2018

_ 12/16/2018 _

Dear Jonghyun,

 

First of all, thank you for being part of my life. I honestly don’t know where I would be if I had never found out about you. By the time this is published, it will be a year since your parting. I’ll admit it has been extremely hard. I honestly have no idea how I made it this far. I loved you so much at the time of your death. I went through so much pain that month. It’s truly a miracle to still be here.

When I was notified about your suicide, I was shocked. I didn’t know how to feel about it. I was washed over by a wave of emotions. I cried for days on end. I was unresponsive for the longest time ever. I really had no clue as to what was going on in the world around me. At that time, I was going through so many things. I was losing friends faster than I could make them. Around me everyone was so rude and cold. I felt like I didn’t belong. My only escape was listening to your music. I felt like I belonged for once. The lyrics were so in depth and linked to your feelings. I never felt like I could relate to someone as much as I did to you.

I started off by simply listening to a few of your songs. I loved them, so I decided to search up the lyrics. Instantly, I felt overwhelmed. There was so  much pain and emotion put into them. It was as if you were just writing your feelings down in a poetic manner. I decided to start becoming a bigger fan of you and your music. The more I discovered about you, the more I fell in love with you. It was as if I knew you personally. You were so open about everything that you felt. You were straightforward with us yet we were far too oblivious. Now that I look back I wish I would have expressed my feelings even more.

Your music and strength is what had inspired me to continue breathing every following day. The moment I found out that you were no longer with us, I felt lost. It was as if the walls of my heart just gave up and caved in. For the longest time I couldn’t listen to any song of yours, nor could I bear to see any picture of you. I cried days on end. Those days turned into weeks. Those weeks turned into months. Soon enough it will turn into years. I’ll admit that I still haven’t recovered fully and I don’t think I will ever be able to recover.

It was hard to not cry at any given moment. First month that passed by I remember crying on my way to third period. I was so heartbroken. I cried the whole time I was in third period. I didn’t care about who saw me or who judged me. I was too heartbroken to care. I cried and cried. I still remember being in eighth period and crying so much because the teacher made fun of me for liking kpop. Then SM released your last album. I could not listen to it. I wasn’t ready to do it. Not just yet. After about a month after its release, I listened to it. The moment I first heard your voice I broke down into tears. It had been months since I last heard your voice. I went months without being able to listen to your voice.

At this time, I decided to be stronger and allowed myself to listen to SHINee’s songs again. I was able to manage my emotions a bit more. I wouldn’t say I could manage my emotions better. I mean look at me, crying as I write this haha. Geez I even cry when I listen to your happy songs. I still feel an empty void in my heart. People have told me multiple times before “stop crying over him because you didn’t even know him in real life” but the thing is that they do not understand what it feels like to relate to someone so much and then have them be ripped off like a band-aid. What’s even sadder is that you wrote many songs such as Breathe to comfort us by telling us that it’s okay to feel like giving up when we are going through a hard time when you were the one who needed the comforting.

Now that I am writing this, I feel like I was selfish. Selfish for being so engulfed in my pain that I couldn’t notice the pain that you were going through. It’s true about what they say. You never truly realize how much you love someone until they are gone. Gone forever. Gosh I miss you so much Jonghyun.

It’s been such a harsh year without you. Life has been going up and down like a rollercoaster. It’s been so hard to live without you here. I’ve honestly thought about giving up on everything and everyone. Then I remember that you toughed it out for years. You went through so much pain and sadness, but for what? Why? You did it because you loved your fans.

Depression is a scary thing. Jonghyun, you lived with depression for years. You had your ups and downs. Look at how far you made it. You made it. Ten years with SHINee. You made it through all those hardships. You made everyone be proud of you. Jonghyun you didn’t do well. You did more than that. You did amazingly well. You never disappointed us. Your audience always loved you. Your audience will always love you. You will always be a part of your audience’s life.

You loved Shawols and Shawols love you. Jonghyun you inspired me to continue. You saved me as well as other Shawols. I’m so extremely sorry that we couldn’t save you. At least you aren’t in pain anymore. You’re free of pain. All the happiness is yours.

Jonghyun, we love you and we always have. Please rest well.

With love,

Valeria


End file.
